I had never lost a friend before - much less in this way - and it was very difficult to handle.
I met Natasha when I was 20 years old and living in Morgantown, WV. She was a few years older than me and I looked up to her. When I was 22 I can remember her giving me the "wisdom" of a 25 year old and thinking "wow, this girl really knows about life!" The truth is, though, that she had a lot of demons in her life and her world was a constant battle with them.
When I moved back to Virginia we kept in touch. The last two years of her life we had a steady communication and she would even come to visit me. (She would get very excited about the idea of shopping in Georgetown even though she knew she couldn't afford it.)
A week before she died she called me. She said that she was going through a hard time and she needed to get away from things for awhile. She asked if she could visit. She told me that she felt she had hit rock bottom and finished it off with a laugh and said that she could only go up from there.
I remember that our phone call was cut off due to no reception and when I tried calling her right back it went to voicemail. I left her a message trying to be as encouraging as I could on a recording and promised of plans to visit. I never talked to her again.
I was not able to attend her funeral although I very much wanted to. For a long time I wrestled with that and the whole thing in general. No one who has people that care about her like she did should feel that hopeless. I wish I would have known. I wish I would have been able to make her see that I really did care. I felt angry that I couldn't help her.
Like me and most of my friends, Natasha had a Facebook account. Yesterday her birthday notification started to show up. Tomorrow she would have been 36.
So I wanted to say Happy Birthday to my friend. You had a giant heart and a passion for helping others. Your friends meant the world to you and you were often hurt by the closest people in your life. You loved music and lyrics and poems and quotes. You were the kind of person who took words and HELD ONTO them. I learned that from you and still have the notebook you bought me before I moved so I could start collecting my own words.
You used to joke about writing your life story one day and it making you rich because it was so crazy. It's a shame that didn't get to happen. I think there are a lot of people out there who would have enjoyed knowing you like I did.
more about Natasha:
http://www.timeswv.com/obituaries/local_story_213192331.html
Song lyrics | Talk lyrics
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5 comments:
Touching
That was a nice post. I went to school with Natasha, but didnt really know her.
Its nice that she had good friends
I went to school with Natasha since the 3rd grade. We laughed, we respected each other for who we were, we disagreed with each other, a lot, but we always found a way to see one anothers point of view, eventually. She was an amazing person a take charge kind of girl. Our 20 year class reunion is coming up and I cant help but think of her lately. I know she would have her hat in the ring.She would have pushed to spearhead this reunion if she could, and there wouldnt be a better person to do it than her.See I had the pleasure to spend a lot of time with her in drama class for three years and for two periods a day in High School.We did dozens of plays and skits together. I miss those days and wish I had them back to tell her I always admired her persistance her stand her pursuit of perfection. Even though we havent seen each other in a long time I know we would pick up were we left off just like true friends do.I never went to her funeral either couldn't bare to do it. I wanted to remember her just the way she was so young and opinionated. She was one of a kind a sport model as my dad would say.Thank you for everything but most of all your friendship.
I went to High School with Natasha and had several classes with her. She was a stand out and had the flair to be different. A couple weeks ago I thought of her out of the blue then tonight learned on facebook that she had passed. I feverishly searched for info on the internet for the reason she left this earth. I am still in shock. When I thought of her recently I imagined where she must be now. She was an mature soul at such a young age and I imagined her to be somewhere being very independent and accomplished. One of the first times that Natasha and I talked was about her love of quotes and she took one of my notebooks our freshman year and wrote a Stephen King quote on it that has stayed with me over twenty years. I actually still have the notebook cover that it is written on because I loved the quote so much and it put a lot of things in perspective for me....
"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When a secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear." -
Stephen King
Considering everything now, I believe this quote meant quite a lot to Natasha. May she rest in peace and may we find comfort in the memories that we hold of her.
I met Natasha at WVU and consider her one of my best friends. I was thinking of her tonight and got the idea to search on her name ... and well, here we are. I am sitting here crying, missing her so much many years later. She called me a month or two before she died and we had talked about her coming for a visit. I am so sad that I didn't stay in more contact with her. I loved her so much. And I am sending up something to the universe right now ... a glass of wine, a cigarette, a toast to the Glasshouse Grille ... whatever it takes, we miss you girl.
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